The shape of things to come

All of a sudden realizing that my Bad Muthafucka image just might be negatively influenced by the confession of occasionally playing fictional war games, I decided it was about time for a tattoo.   Or at least a symbolic body modification of some kind.

After having been removed aggressively from ‘The body shop’ by three blonde female shop assistants, for walking behind the cash register into the dressing room behind the store, under the assumption that the displayed over-the-counter beauty products are just an all too obvious front, supposed to hide the seedy Underground Parlor of Prison Tattoos in the back, … I stopped to ask directions at a barber shop called the ”Ink Rose Knife”.

To my surprise, they also offered services such as piercings, tattoos and scarification remodeling.

So far I haven’t been able to pick out a fitting look, so I copied some of the examples of the catalogue, to decide later:

“Pincushion punk pop.  For when you’re bored with facial hair experiments:

Having tried every possible variation on goatee beards, chin straps, oversized or subtle sideburns.  And every imaginable swirling combination of the fore mentioned elements, it’s time to break out the nail gun.  Have fun at the pneumatic- hammering of metal objects into your face.  Some stylish patterns are included in the set, but it’s more creative to try various cluster bombardments on your own.  (Make sure to avoid the eyes, or metal pins just might become permanently lodged near the optic nerves behind the eyeballs and cause optical illusions due to metal poisoning.  Moving objects like cars may look like enormous spiders, or Jesus might leap out of a bowl of chili.)

The grunge “Solar System Support” look  :

Ears permanently fitted with Enlobal Magnetic Barometric Technology, that converts your (hyper-) kinetic movements into electrochemical energy.  This way you can produce your own clean, organic energy, and store it in the battery units underneath your forehead skin.  Batteries with varying capacity are available in different shapes and sizes.   Be aware that extra cooling vent piping is required on both sides of the nose, to support the ventilation flow of the nostrils.   Thereby preventing the heat production of the batteries to fry the frontal cranial lobes.

Extras: The multifaceted glasses appear to be a mere style choice.  But hooked up to the batteries, they can provide a very entertaining lightshow at parties, with laser beams shooting colored patterns out of your eyes.”

“When inactive, extra nose vents are handy toolboxes, or cutlery cabinets.”

 

“Nostrils are usually underestimated as storage facilities.  This toilet paper holder is available at IKEA in chrome and aluminum”

“Could never get enough of making star shaped mud pies at the beach ? Tired of other kids stepping on them ?  Use your own body to carry them around for ever, so you will always be able to show what you sculpted by use of your little plastic shapes.   Endear friendly strangers, and/or cause colleagues to worry about you, … or even totally creep out fellow passengers on public transportation. By gradually unbaring more and more body parts.”

I’d go for this look, but I hate ties.

 

LOTR Umpire Decision Review System

Dear ExplainThisImage.com Management,

Kindly note that I have taken exception to the following caption contest comment:

“One cannot simply banana boat into Mordor”

I would like to emphasize that it is in fact possible to banana boat into Mordor, should one want to do this.  Which is exactly what happened on Saturday the 5^th of March 2011, during the annual Lord of the Rings Role-play board game of my clan “Nimloth”.

This rather unusual turn of events was of course initiated by Raymond (better known by his RP name ‘Rongolas’).   As seen in the picture below, taken during a real life gathering near Colchester, of which the invitation was limited to – quote – “Middle Earth warriors such as Elves, Dwarves, Men-at-arms and wizards”.  Where Rongolas managed to convince the gatekeeper that Uzi-toading Ninja’s were also men-at-arms.

The reason for his rather irritating free interpretations of Dungeons and Dragons, is that Raymond doesn’t limit himself to the classic medieval sorcery roleplay.  He insists on playing Sci-fi RP as well, and even Modern Warfare RP.  And then all too often is inpired to introduce some external elements into Fantasy RP, when everyone is watching porn, or is too drunk or stoned to bother to check the rules.   The latest War of the Rings RP championship was no exception.

After having played for about 6 hours, right before the main campaign against the Black Hordes, a 20-sided multi-dice challenge was called.  I lost, and was therefore appointed to go out and buy Fish-and chips for everyone and an Indian Curry for Rongolas.  Upon my return, Rongolas had gained an unfair advantage, by use of a so-called ‘self-made wooden kite’, that advanced his character by no less than 10 miles, in one single game round.  (It was the Avatar weekend on the Nickelodeon channel, so it’s not hard to guess where he got the idea for this blatant infraction.)

Non-the-less, I and two comrades were outvoted by the other players, which was motivated by the following (new) rule: “the use of handcrafted – or magically conjured up – vehicles and/or means of transportation is allowed, when a 5 is rolled with an ‘Oblivion & Interferenz’ Crystal Caste Dice”

Admitting to some sarcasm concerning the possible consequences of this new rule, some of us tried our luck anyway.   Thus, Firindab the Elf was able to submit a “Pogo Jump Stick”, that gave him a head start.

Luckily, Sarionod – the Black Wizard on this occasion – didn’t get his “Star Trek Transporter” by which he no doubt would have positioned his Orcs very favourably.

And I cast a spell that gave me my Banana boat.  Which was of strategic importance, as I was the Ring Bearer at the time, and had already advanced into the lands in between Rhûn, and Khand, situated East of Mordor.  My plan was to simply Banana Boat into Mordor on the eastern river.  This would have lead me to the Sea of Núrnen and then North again to Gorgoroth.  Which would have brought me much closer to my goal of destroying the Ring at mount Doom.

In accordance with his dishonest character and foul manners, Raymond called for a Online Decision of the council of Wise.   (Consisting of a single person that is held in high esteem in our circles, only known by his mythical RP name “Mathonen”.   See picture, taken when he was younger.)

Apparently Mathonen was engaged in an online game himself at the time, and didn’t feel like much research.  So he simply Googled for an existing precedent.  And came up with your site, contest, and statement that “one cannot simply banana boat into Mordor”.

As a result I lost the game, and must insist on removing this irrelevant nonsense from the internet.

Yours truly,

Galdorch

(Gruff Guano)

Don’t mind if I do

Dear Chive.

I really like you.   The website that is.  You’re a collection of amusing photographs, useful links, and witty comments.

As for the people  behind the Chive, that constructed this façade of playful coolness.  You’re a major player – aka Killer Whale – as opposed to a bottom feeding sea sponge-virus like me and my blog.  I’ll give you that.   But just because I don’t receive hundreds of pictures of gorgeous female fans sent to me every day, with a pretty plea to please post them, … that doesn’t mean that you get to fling huge turtles at me from an aeroplane.

Yes it is a funny picture.  Yes it saves time to simply toss an exotic specimen out of a Fletcher Aircraft when you’re going skydiving anyway, instead of paying someone to go through the process of photo shopping a few images.  And yes it is a hoot – especially after some Margaritas – to imagine where the thing might land and which juvenile stir it might cause among the square people.

Well here it is.  Imagine not just a hole in a roof, but also in the wood floor between two storeys.  And imagine the remains of a large reptilian spread all over those two storeys, along with parts of a chimney and a Chinese fondue dinner. A dinner meticulously composed by means of handpicked ingredients, in accordance with traditional Chinese medicine principles, to achieve the ultimate culinary ying and yang balance.  Ending in a horrific explosion and a ravage of smashed oriental porcelain and furniture, with bits of turtle shell and testudinal entrails all over the place.

There is a limit to disruptive experiments.   I’ll admit that it can be a fine line, but the trick is to keep in mind when a prank might add more than just a smidgen of the innovative surprise element to people’s lives, but rather is likely to cause horrific chaos, leading to physical shock and hysteria.

In the aftermath of this fiasco, in between reconstruction works and after frantically Googling the web in search of an explanation and a perpetrator, I can assure you that the ‘deal with it’ comment that I found accompanying the picture of the animal when it was still airborne, was not perceived as dry wit, but as cold, hard, insensitive cynicism.

See you in court.

Gruff.

And as for music, I don’t care about what you think either.

Big screen smithereen

There was a time when Belgian movies were childish, ridiculous and/or amateuristic.  One of the reasons, was the bad habit of letting the actors speak in an uncomfortable, awkward and most irritating artificial sort of Dutch.  That no one in real life ever speaks unless maybe they’re hosting poetry night at the Wig and Wine Guild.    Things gradually changed over the years, and since some time now this deplorable flaw was finally overcome.  A more insightful generation of directors, values research and practice, to make sure that the used language is as authentic a regional dialect as possible.  Even in this small country there’s a great variety of speech, peculiar to particular regions.  As well as rather typical local customs.

Belgian cinema by now produced some highlights like “C’est arrivé près de chez vous” (‘it happened near you’), “Loft” (uh, yeah ‘Loft’), “De helaasheid der dingen” (‘The Alasness of things’, see picture above) & even “ex drummer”.

The latest film well worth watching, featuring some skilled actors that really put in the effort, is “Rundskop” (‘Bullhead’).   Set against the background of the ‘hormone mafia’, agricultural blockheads that don’t shy away from violence to protect their financial interests.  But this isn’t the whole story.  A personal tragedy unfolds, showing that in some cases the bad guys also started out as victims.  When random biochemical mishaps cause disorders that in turn lead chance encounters towards irreversible doom.

Streetview Zoology

About an hour ago I was standing on the corner, waiting for the traffic light to change.

Rather uninterested, I was watching a couple of policemen that had just apprehended a guy on a motorcycle for some minor offence.  When I noticed a pretty strange car approaching.  With a weird contraption sticking out high on top of it’s roof.  It took me about 3 seconds – long enough for the car to pass me by – before I realized it was a Google Maps Street View Car.  (Also the word G O O G L E was written on the side.  Which in hindsight was a pretty good clue, but to my defense, I don’t read too well from a distance.)

Not sure if it was the same brand and model of car, but it was red and looked something like this:

So no obscene gestures as some kind of prank from my part.  No time to dress up like a ninja, scubadiver, Star Wars character or Archangel Lucifer for that matter,… if the camera was taking pictures at the time,  I involuntarily joined the ranks of the legions that only manage to look as perplexed (ok, stupid) as cattle in a meadow, staring at a hot air balloon.

So I guess my town is almost on the modern map of efficient anticipatory route planning.

As for appropriate music. …. Uh…. OK, maybe now everybody will find their way home.

Aimless drive

So the president of the Republic of Egypt announced his departure, and his entire party just quit.  I guess that’s good for democracy.  Right ?  After all, Egypt has been under emergency law since 1967, meaning extended police powers, suspended constitutional rights, and legalized censorship.  Seems like about time for some freedom.

Now let’s hope that the new rulers, won’t – say – destroy the pyramids and the Sphinx of Giza, or something like that, because they consider them to be pre Muslim heathen symbols.  But, in all fairness, there’s no need to be too concerned.  Why not give people a chance.

Or a nursery action song.

And if all else fails, we’ll send in the 6 million dollar men.  (Imagine the sound effects yourself.    OK, here they are.)

Meanwhile …. meanwhile, what ?   O yeah:

…style, Zimbabweans have it, and we have it.

 

You know we are.

A delectable meal

Warner:  “Just gimme the bottle and I’m gonna knock her over the head with it.”

Barbara:  “Yeah yeah, sure thing, killer. “

Warner:  “Or break it and stab her in the throat, that’ll shut her yap.”

Barbara:  “Well, mind the blood spray and don’t get any of it on your tuxedo.”

Warner:  “GIMME the bottle, hun, I mean it this time.”

Barbara:  “Alright, let me finish the Tequila first, and then you can bludgeon my 86 year old great aunt Charlotte to a gruesome death, in broad daylight, right in front of 40 wedding guests.   I’m sure my cousin Ann wouldn’t mind a homicide on her wedding day.”

Warner:  “Don’t ya think ya had enough of Tequila by the way ?”

Barbara:  “I’ll tell you what.  You have your way of dealing with these family gathering situations, by fantasizing about killing half of my family.  And I have my own little method of escape.  Alright ? honey ?”

Warner:  “Who picked the “White Flamingo Resort” anyway ?   Couldn’t they find anything more conceited in the entire Everglades area ?“

Barbara:  “Uhuh”

Warner:  “No, seriously, I just don’t see why we had to drive for hours from Miami Lakes, to get to some fake classy luxury joint out here in the wilderness.”

Barbara:  “I’m sure they would have consulted you first, dear.   If you hadn’t insulted every single person in my family several times.”

Warner:  “Look at this menu for Christ’s sake:   ‘From our savory appetizers to our enticing entrees’ …    ENTICING ENTREES !!    Sounds like SOME bait.   I bet you could catch busloads of your relatives with this shit, and use Sarin gas on them in the ‘Tuscan Room’.  What the fuck is a Tuscan room anyway.”

M. Pierce “Well hello  !!! You two !!  Are we having FUN !!??  “

Barbara:  “Hi, aunt Mildred, aren’t we always ?”

Warner:  (reading out loud from the menu) “Just another “enchanting evening filled with conversation, live entertainment, and delectable meals”, aunt Mildred.”

M. Pierce (handing out two cocktails)  “Eeah.. I’m sorry honey ? I didn’t catch that”

Warner:  “I SAID we hit the MOTHERLOAD of “meal choices, savory appetizers, enticing entrée’s, and mouthwatering desserts”, aunty Mildred.”

M. Pierce  “Eheh… uh, yes dear.  Well cheers !”

Warner: (downing his Pineapple Juice Cocktail)  “Cheers !”   …. (mumbling:) “ya old permafrost”

M. Pierce  “By the way, Warner ?  Your last 3 cocktails contained Cowbane juice.  Which is extremely poisonous.   You will probably experience nausea in about ten minutes.  Followed by difficulties in breathing, unconsciousness and death in a few hours.   I guess you could start heading back to the nearest town, but I’m afraid it’s a close call because of the distance.  And also, your car is blocked by a bunch of other cars, and I don’t think anyone will volunteer to drive you.”

Barbara:  “waiter !!”