LOTR Umpire Decision Review System
March 19, 2011
Dear ExplainThisImage.com Management,
Kindly note that I have taken exception to the following caption contest comment:
“One cannot simply banana boat into Mordor”
I would like to emphasize that it is in fact possible to banana boat into Mordor, should one want to do this. Which is exactly what happened on Saturday the 5th of March 2011, during the annual Lord of the Rings Role-play board game of my clan “Nimloth”.
This rather unusual turn of events was of course initiated by Raymond (better known by his RP name ‘Rongolas’). As seen in the picture below, taken during a real life gathering near Colchester, of which the invitation was limited to – quote – “Middle Earth warriors such as Elves, Dwarves, Men-at-arms and wizards”. Where Rongolas managed to convince the gatekeeper that Uzi-toading Ninja’s were also men-at-arms.
The reason for his rather irritating free interpretations of Dungeons and Dragons, is that Raymond doesn’t limit himself to the classic medieval sorcery roleplay. He insists on playing Sci-fi RP as well, and even Modern Warfare RP. And then all too often is inpired to introduce some external elements into Fantasy RP, when everyone is watching porn, or is too drunk or stoned to bother to check the rules. The latest War of the Rings RP championship was no exception.
After having played for about 6 hours, right before the main campaign against the Black Hordes, a 20-sided multi-dice challenge was called. I lost, and was therefore appointed to go out and buy Fish-and chips for everyone and an Indian Curry for Rongolas. Upon my return, Rongolas had gained an unfair advantage, by use of a so-called ‘self-made wooden kite’, that advanced his character by no less than 10 miles, in one single game round. (It was the Avatar weekend on the Nickelodeon channel, so it’s not hard to guess where he got the idea for this blatant infraction.)
Non-the-less, I and two comrades were outvoted by the other players, which was motivated by the following (new) rule: “the use of handcrafted – or magically conjured up – vehicles and/or means of transportation is allowed, when a 5 is rolled with an ‘Oblivion & Interferenz’ Crystal Caste Dice”
Admitting to some sarcasm concerning the possible consequences of this new rule, some of us tried our luck anyway. Thus, Firindab the Elf was able to submit a “Pogo Jump Stick”, that gave him a head start.
Luckily, Sarionod – the Black Wizard on this occasion – didn’t get his “Star Trek Transporter” by which he no doubt would have positioned his Orcs very favourably.
And I cast a spell that gave me my Banana boat. Which was of strategic importance, as I was the Ring Bearer at the time, and had already advanced into the lands in between Rhûn, and Khand, situated East of Mordor. My plan was to simply Banana Boat into Mordor on the eastern river. This would have lead me to the Sea of Núrnen and then North again to Gorgoroth. Which would have brought me much closer to my goal of destroying the Ring at mount Doom.
In accordance with his dishonest character and foul manners, Raymond called for a Online Decision of the council of Wise. (Consisting of a single person that is held in high esteem in our circles, only known by his mythical RP name “Mathonen”. See picture, taken when he was younger.)
Apparently Mathonen was engaged in an online game himself at the time, and didn’t feel like much research. So he simply Googled for an existing precedent. And came up with your site, contest, and statement that “one cannot simply banana boat into Mordor”.
As a result I lost the game, and must insist on removing this irrelevant nonsense from the internet.
Yours truly,
Galdorch
(Gruff Guano)
March 19, 2011 at 1:56 pm
hahaha, sounds like a superb gaming session…
March 19, 2011 at 10:03 pm
It was entertaining, but it lacked a certain degree of realism. And with a little more earnestness from all the parties involved, I would have claimed the “Throne of Gondor”. Which is a very nice leather Cyber-Relax EC-3000 massage chair with built-in remote controls.
March 19, 2011 at 2:40 pm
This is hilarious even though I have no idea what you are talking about.
March 19, 2011 at 10:09 pm
That’s ok, I don’t always admit to playing D & D either. Apparently, in some strange manner, it’s a turn-off for women.
Even though the use of multi-dice in matters of procreation would benefit the gene-pool immensely.
March 21, 2011 at 3:48 am
Oh D&D, I thought it was some Charlie Sheen gathering
My bad?
March 21, 2011 at 9:07 pm
Not too far from the mark. Sheen is the grand warlock after all.
I don’t think he plays D&D though. But there is a connection to fantasy: He once thought he had placed an order by phone for some call-girls. But to his surprise, Dr. Mark T. Hooker from Indiana U. showed up, to give a lecture on his analyses of Tolkien’s work. Listening to that, while stoned out of his brain on Coke and Mescal, messed him up bigtime. He thought he was a hobbit for quite a few weeks.
March 21, 2011 at 12:32 am
I’ll have to watch the movie again, but I’m pretty sure Frodo’s first route into Mordor was by banana boat until Gollum convinced him it was too risky to show up for the climatic end scene with wet clothes and wet, stringy hair.
March 21, 2011 at 9:13 pm
Very likely. Very likely.
Although that also may have been John Galliano, that you saw on TV. Giving fashion advice to movie stars. He kind of looks like Gollum, but with a wig and a dirty sanchez moustache.
March 22, 2011 at 6:33 pm
You certainly know how to enjoy yourself !!!
March 22, 2011 at 6:36 pm
P.S. you don’t mention ‘ale’ ?
You sure there wasn’t any ale involved?
Don’t seem natural not to have any ale involved when engaged in a LOTR role play !!!
March 22, 2011 at 6:53 pm
These days ale and/or top-fermented beers, are my only vice actually, Duncan. With exception of the odd Scotch or the even rarer liquor.
Quite fond of Gordon’s Scotch. But also domestic brands, like Kwak, Leffe, Grimbergen, Westmalle, Gouden Carolus, …
March 25, 2011 at 10:06 pm
lol, very creative
March 26, 2011 at 3:47 pm
Thank you. I found that branch somewhere, but I like to think that it looks enough like something in between a magic wand and a Celtic Fight Stick.
The Medieval Monk’s Cloth was originally tailor made for a Bacon Burger eating contest, and was regrettably sponsored for the occasion: It has publicity on the back from a Nova Scotia Plumbing firm. But during Warrior Gatherings, I usually manage to keep my back to walls, or to trees.
March 28, 2011 at 7:30 am
I think its great. Sounds like you guys had tons of fun