Illusions of Grandeur

Belgium is fellow-candidate to host the next World cup Soccer in 2018.  (The Holland/Belgium bid.  There’s a site, but it doesn’t seem to work properly.  Could be my Dell disaster PC.  But it seems that when the ‘select language’ option is used, the site collapses like a house of cards on a Vibration Fitness Machine.  Yes it is an omen for the way the event itself would be organized.)  

Apart from the fact that I don’t particularly applaud hordes of hooligans beating on everything that moves and urinating on every thing else….   isn’t this similar to the latest hosting of the Olympics, adding to the Greece bankruptcy ?    I haven’t been able to verify this, but it’s rumoured that FIFA in all it’s corruptness is already making grotesquely outrageous demands, … like highwaylanes reserved (!?!!) for the organizers and VIP’s.   What ever, I’m sure non of us would mind standing in daily traffic jams for a few more hours.  No wait, make that ‘I’m sure some of us would go berzerk and lynch as many Soccer VIP’s as possible’

Here, something else that is silly enough to be funny.

Arrival of The Box T-1

I’m so excited I can’t stop leaping from one piece of furniture to another like a Bonobo.

Tomorrow we’re going to be one step closer to – maybe – having our pc  (temporarily) fixed by Dell.  The end of the two year service contract period is only three months away…  so it’s going to be a close one.

First step, the delivery of the essential equipment consisting of a cardboard box.  If I didn’t have time off, I’d be sure to stay home for this one anyway.   I promised the kids a trip to an amusement park, but this logistics event is so much more important.

I hope the transport over here will go smoothly.  There’s so much that can go wrong.  The cargo could be damaged due to rough weather conditions, …  Or they could overshoot the landing, and then a section of the journey may have to be undertaken whilst manually supporting the box….   I hope they have an armed urban transport surveillance team ready just in case.

(I’m kind of hoping it’s a hoax from that Dell IT helpdesk.  And I’ll find a letter inside the box that reads “stop badmouthing us over the internet, or we’ll format C:\\ your system”.  I could appreciate a joke like that.  Much more than an absurdly timeconsuming procedure.)

Arrival of The Box – T minus 2

As Don Quichotte had his windmills, so we have our phone line helpdesks.

Our Dell desktop is still malfunctioning.  Before today I didn’t have time to call the helpdesk.   Today, a friendly fellow stationed in Amsterdam, presented and/or helped me with the four usual standard solutions.

• ‘Please uninstall and re-install drivers’.   Check.  No effect.
• ‘Open up the pc, physically remove the video-card and install it again’.  ‘Did that already, no effect’.
• ‘We will mail you a new video-card’.   ‘Has been tried 3 times before, sir’.  … ‘Ah yes, I see that now in the history of your case’.
• ‘Make a backup of your files, and re-install Windows’.    ‘Again ?   Look, that’s somewhat inconvenient, we did it 2 times before already and it doesn’t seem to work either.’    ‘Ah yes, you’re right, that has been tried before’

‘So I suppose someone will be around to pick up the pc (again) to take a thorough look at it at the factory ?’

‘No, … but what we do is, we send you a box through the mail.’ 

‘Excuse me ?’    

‘Yes, someone will send you a box.  You are to put the pc into the box, and then call the number that is listed on the box.  They will give you further instructions then’.

So there it is… I shit you not.  It reminds me a bit of a pretty good movie.  But reality is much more irritating.    Somewhat dazed from this new evolution in standardized efficiency, about an hour after the long phone call with the helpdesk in Amsterdam, a girl from the German office from Dell called me to confirm the fact that she had just sent me a box through the post.  It will arrive on Thursday.  And I’m to put the desktop inside and then give them a call.

(It’s a good thing I’m home this week, because mail is only delivered during office hours, and normally I wouldn’t be here for the joyous arrival of the box.  At which point I would have to go and pick up the delivery in the post office…  sometime during office hours.  You can obviously only get anything done when you take leave of absence.   I already knew that, but apparently now it’s even worse: you have to take an extra day off, to sit around the house, waiting for a goddamn carton box.)

Assuming that the box isn’t booby trapped, and I won’t be swarmed by compact vindictive Dell robots upon opening it, I can’t help but wonder what the imminent instructions might be.  I suppose they will either boil down to me writing down an address, and then heading towards the post office to mail the pc myself.  (After which there’s about 35 % chance that the pc will be stolen somewhere in the postal system, about 45 % chance that it will arrive much more damaged than it is at the moment, and about 10 % chance that it will be delivered within an acceptable timeframe.)

Or … maybe Dell will subsequently send someone round anyway … to inspect the uniformity and regularity of the packaging material before accepting the pc from my hands. 

It’s a good thing my business isn’t depending upon this pc… or the amount of lost time, due to this agonizingly slow ‘repair’ process, would most certainly cause bankruptcy.  After which I would drink myself some brain damage, and roam the streets as a homeless person, wearing a box as a modern crown of thorns, symbolizing bureaucracy.

E-mails from around the world

“Dear mr Guano,

It has been brought to our attention that you have published on the www, comments on and fragments of the film ‘Chopper’.  We would like to point out that this is in fact a violation of the 1905 Australian copyright act, and that you are hereby sentenced to pay a considerable retribution to yours truly, Neville Bartos.

You are to divide the sum of 5.000 Australian Dollars, into small rolls.  You will also provide 1 Kg. of Bolivian Cocaine, to be purchased at the Amsterdam address, hereby included.  The 2 k’s of Cathie should be packed in plastic, in the shape of small balls.  A fellow by the name of Drongo Piker will make an appointment by telephone, and will then drop by in order to swallow the cocaine and to rectally insert the financial retribution, for aerial transport to Australia.

Please refrain from informing said Mr. Reid about our arrangement and transaction details, for we have an understanding that all practical matters considering the copyright proceeds, should go through me.

Any delay in payment, will result in physical harm by means of a hand iron.

Yours truly

N. Bartos

Melbourne”

Best excuse ever to post the picture of a nude girl

Unjustly forced to the background in the media (by the Worldcup and local elections) this demonstration against the use of fossil fuels in London today, has to do with the topic that is the most crucial one for our survival.    Environmental stability.  

Besides admiring the dedication of the demonstrators …  bonus points for those who managed to remain stable themselves, on their non polluting means of transport, while surrounded by attractive female environmentalists.

how to carefully plan ahead in case of a catastrophe

Remember that prevention plans containing technical sollutions for possible events, cut into your profit.  Instead, focuss on a well thought out of Public Relations plan around the following arguments

A ‘what catastrophe, this little thing ?’

B ‘yeah yeah, we’re working on it’

C ‘who the hell do you think you are, telling experts like us what to do’

D ‘this is to be expected anyway, it’s all worth it, get your priorities straight’

Greece Debt Crisis

So the little man there needs to work a few years longer and expect a reduced retirement income. 

On the one hand, it seems logical that a social security system, which is designed for a certain life expectancy of the retired workers, is mathematically destined to falter, when the lifespan of the retired gradually expands.   The ratio of economically active people vs inactives is crucial.

On the other hand, inequality of wealth and income is out of proportion.  And most likely, an economic system is drained at the top, much more than it is at the bottom.  Accumulated financial reserves to grant every citizen enough comfort probably exist, beyond retired workers’ meager incomes and savings.  How about confiscating some yachts or private jets.